How Not To Handle Your Partner Masturbating!

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Many months ago, I was woken by the rattling of the bed. Wolfie was gaming again, I thought, but as I opened one sleepy eye I realised that the only joystick my husband was playing with was the one he normally keeps in his pants.

While I slept, my husband was masturbating.

More recently, it was my turn. He’d gone straight to sleep and I had that lower tummy ache that screams of insatiable need. I knew that I either needed to get off or get laid, but regardless, I knew that I needed to do something. After I was sure that he was blissfully asleep and unawares, I took matters into my own hands.

I have to be honest, it’s far from the first time that I’ve gotten off while my husband sleeps. I have a high sex drive, but I don’t see a problem with it. I’m confident in who I am and able to function in between. Just because I’m a woman who likes sex more than once in a blue moon doesn’t make me a sex addict, far from it.

I knew something was off that morning, something was different about him, he was quiet and he wouldn’t look at me. He was cheerful with the dog and fine when he spoke with his colleagues, but when it came to me, he was quiet and distant, and I had an inkling why that might be.

“I was.. disturbed last night” he said when he finally spoke.

I knew it was about that, I knew what I’d done the night before, and somehow, I just had a feeling.

After a lengthy discussion, what it came down to was the fact that I’d scolded him. He thought I had a problem with him masturbating, but really, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I have no objection at all to my husband masturbating, as long as he knows that a) don’t make a mess, we’ve both got to share the bed and b) if I wake up and realise what he’s doing, there is a high chance that he won’t be flying solo for much longer!

My problem had never been that my husband masturbates, my problem was that I’d had days of him refusing sex, only then to be woken up to him taking care of himself. I warned him that if he was going to confine a faithful, sensual woman like me to a life of cleaning and a monogamous sexless marriage while he takes care of himself at night, then I was gone. Fair is fair, you get one life, and everyone deserves the best one.

There is absolutely no shame in your partner having sexual thoughts, sexual urges or taking care of themselves. In my time talking and writing about sex and BDSM, I’ve met many young, formerly married men who separated after their wife shamed them for masturbating. I myself have been on the receiving end of that shame, and it hurts. Female masturbation is not purely for show as and when men want something to get off to, women have sexual wants, needs and urges, too. We’re sexual beings!

On sources like Bustle, I’ve often seen masturbation referred to as “scratching an itch”, and to be honest, when we think of it, that’s kind of exactly what it is. Broken down, an itch is just an irritated nerve and scratching it provides a counter-stimulation which soothes the itch sensation. When we masturbate, we react to an overstimulated nerve with a counter-sensation that soothes it. Masturbation then is nothing wrong or sinful. If we shame our partners for masturbating, we should be shamed each time we scratch an itch, blow our nose or get rid of hiccups. Why? Because those too are all are just reactions to irritated nerve, and none of those are shameful!

If you catch your partner masturbating, I urge you to not to overreact. There is a high chance that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and for so long that you have plenty of love, sex and chemistry, then you have absolutely nothing to fear. Next time, please don’t shame your partner. Instead, handle the situation the hot and sexy way – ask them to share what got them going, and then help them out. It’ll strengthen connections, blow their minds and make you unforgettable for days to come,

We promise!