Want More Sex? Tidy Your Bedroom

Messy white bed with crumpled blanket and pillows.
Image source: Shutterstock

As a sex-positive blogger, I’m often looked to for guidance on how to make sex that much better. While I often surprise people with some of my kinky ideas, there is one solid piece of solid advice that I often give out which so many people seemingly overlook.

Tidy your bedroom.

Yep, it’s just that simple.

For me personally, I find that I can’t make the beast with two backs when the bedroom is a mess. Whether it’s stubbing my toe on the clothes dryer that’s been left propped against the wall or eyeing that pile of paperwork that hasn’t been put away yet, having mess and clutter around the bedroom can distract me from me ultimate goal. If the room is a mess, I won’t get there – simple as.

For a lot of women, I expect much is same. We’re so keyed into our roles and responsibilities as housewives that, if there is visible mess, we’re failing at our jobs. Feeling like a failure leads to stress and stress inevitably leads to a loss of interest in sex. By treating your bedroom as a haven for rest and sex, rather than a spare room in your home, you inevitably make sex more important. By creating a space for it to happen, you can help to put intimacy back on the menu.

Over my many months of using the anonymous app Whisper, one of the things that stood out to me was how many men bemoaned their marital partners for denying them sex. Whilst medical grounds certainly can’t be ruled out, one has to wonder how much of it is stress. If a woman is expected to be intimate in a room heaped high with piles of unsorted clothes and toddler toys, it’s no wonder she’s not feeling too sexy. Women are psychologically stimulated, not visually. For her, clutter just doesn’t turn her on.

Not so long ago, my neighbour visited me on a day that I was particularly busy with the housework. One of the things that surprised him most about my home was that my bedroom appeared so pristine (our lounge looks directly into the bedroom, because yay for local authority suburban apartments!), while my lounge and kitchen were messy. To him, a bedroom is just a place to dump things in, and my lounge and kitchen should be my priority.

With all respect, I politely disagree.

You see, by worrying about tidying my lounge before other people visit, I prioritise their opinion over my own love life. Not only am I putting them above our intimacy, but ultimately, even above our marriage.

I’m sorry, but stuff what anyone else thinks, your relationship should always be paramount.

So what if there is an empty mug on the coffee table? At least you have tea and coffee for them to drink.

Who cares if the bin looks a bit full? At least the waste is all in one place.

Anyone who can judge you for such seemingly small matters simply isn’t worth inviting into your home.

Of course, the exception to rules is if you’re dating. In this case, then your whole home should be a priority. First impressions count, and smells of grease and cheesy socks will be more than enough to deter any potential suitor. If that’s not the case, then it’s up to you and your partner what matters most. For us, good food, great sex and lots of sleep are the secret recipe to a happy marriage.

There are many great tips and tricks dotted about this website and beyond which talk about the best ways to create intimacy, Be it long evening talks and hot bubble baths, rose petals on the bedsheets or candles and soft music, one piece of advise stands resoundingly clear;

Tidy. Your Damn. Bedroom.

Not only is mess a trip hazard and somewhat off-putting, but clutter + candles = fire risk. Do you really want the fire brigade busting down the door while you and your partner are bumping uglies? I mean unless that’s some group sex fantasy of yours, then my guess is probably not. Please, don’t ever use candles where there are piles of paper or textiles for them to set alight. Even the heat can be enough to start a flame!

This tip is so so simple, but I promise you, it’s oh so worth it. Take ten minutes a day to make your bed and pick up around the room. I promise you, your love life will thank you.

Maintaining Your Bedroom In The Midst Of A Pandemic

I wrote here about some of the obstacles we faced when Matt started working from home, and the ways that we overcome them. In this post though, I didn’t talk about sex and intimacy.

Right now, Matt works in our bedroom. We have only one bedroom, the marital bedroom, so it’s understandable perhaps that the addition of the computer completely changed the atmosphere. With my laptop, I could just pop it away once I was done blogging, but with a monitor and tower, that’s not nearly so easy. When the office tower moves in, you need to be more wiling to go with the flow. If you (or your partner) are currently working from home, I hope these tips can help:

1. Negotiate!

Normally, Matt works with two monitors in the office but I flatly refused to invite them both into our home. The desk space that I was giving up wasn’t huge and having one monitor in the bedroom would be bulky enough. I understood that only having the one monitor would inconvenience him, but for his part, he had to understand my fears that too much technology would make our bedroom into more of an office and less of a bedroom. Talk often and gently communicate your needs and concerns with one another. You will both need to make sacrifices, so decide what’s a a need and what’s a want. I didn’t want a computer in our bedroom, but as long as it doesn’t take it over, I can let it go.

2. Ditch The Office Paraphernalia

Those cute branded pens, mugs, note holders and whatever else you got given at work? Cute, but totally unnecessary when you’re working at home. We got Matt a simple, black pen holder to go on his desk with one condition – that no branded pens go in it! Having plain, clear black-ink pens visible in our bedroom means that they’re just pens, pens that can be used for writing absolutely anything down. It’s a weird little psychological trick, but Matt himself has said that by not having the company logo staring at him from across the room, he’s able to completely switch off and forget about work after hours!

3. Don’t lie on your bed!

I’m always screaming at Matt about this one! Your bed is for two things, sex and sleep. Make your bed in the morning, and then stay off of it! Not only will it keep it nice for when you do want it, it will help you stay in the mood for work, too. If you allow yourself to rest, your brain will relax and you’ll struggle to get back into it when you return after your lunch. If you can, create some sort of boundary between your desk and your bed. The tempted you are, the easier it will become.

I hope these tips can help you rekindle chemistry in the bedroom. How do you find mess affects your love life? Why not share your stories in the comments?

Be Bold, Be Bright, Be Beautiful,

Helen xx

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