Judged For Being Kinky

HezadImage by Khusen Rustamov from Pixabay

Good afternoon lovelies,

Not so long ago, I wrote about my experience with being banned from the chat app, Ablo. I admit, in hindsight, it probably was a pretty bloody stupid thing to do, but I was encouraged, I’m not ashamed of my body and the photo was already available elsewhere online anyway. I get it, what’s done is done and there’s no going back now, not that I would want to. The question was, where would my quest for international friendships take me now?

Before Ablo and Slowly, I used an app called Bottled. Bottled is great in that you get the kind of experience of putting a message into a bottle and ‘throwing’ it into the sea (okay so you don’t actually throw anything, you just swipe up on the screen). You then wait for your bottle to land on another user’s shore and, if they like your bottle, they can keep it and hey presto, you get chatting. It sounds great, right? That’s because it pretty much is.

I initially left Bottled after their server security was compromised and three of my then eight friends had (HACKED) in their username and a GIF of a cat using a laptop as their display photo. If accounts could be hacked that easily, then I decided, other personal data could be exposed, too. I take my internet security extremely seriously, and so I decided to set sail, hence, Slowly and Ablo.

After the Ablo debacle, I found myself wondering what next. Slowly is great, but sometimes (like when my husband is gaming), I want a conversation, I want something fast-paced and moving, rather than replying to a letter and waiting at least two days. Slowly is great for those ones you can really wait for, but not so much for those online friendships that simply pass the time. Hungry for that time-filler, I installed Bottled once again.

After Ablo, I also found myself being a lot more careful. No more risky photos I told myself, and no talking about X-rated stuffs, either. It would be hard when BDSM is such an integral part of who I am, but I at least had to be willing to try.

Imagine my surprise then, when bottle washed up on my shore:

Do you know what BDSM is? What do you think of it?

Of course I kept that bottle. I wasn’t going to go into detail, but I wanted this person to know that whatever thoughts they were having, they weren’t alone or weird. It didn’t mean anything about them, they were just kinky- like me!

In another conversation, I’d been talking to a data analyst about all things data and information handling. I’m a sucker for data and numbers and I’ve conducted a few social experiments before, like this one. We got talking about the tests, the findings and some of the ethical issues of conducting them, like when a blinded study gets ratted out. All of it made for interesting discussion, and for the most part, we seemed to get along well.

Can I read your blog?

Ho hum.. I have no qualms about anyone who wants to visit or read my blog. It’s here, it’s free for you to read as long as you realise that it’s an at-your-own-risk sort of thing. I’m not going to spoon-feed you more information than you want to read, but if you click on certain links and read far more than you wanted to, then that’s your doing. Where possible, I even try to make sure I give my readers a heads up, so there really are no unwelcome surprises.

I explained that I write about “sensuality” rather than BDSM, because to me, I do. To me, BDSM is part of a sensual experience, no matter how you do it, it’s all about the senses crucially, but feel free to discuss.

But that was fine, so I shrugged and provided the link. If he wanted to read, then who am I to stop him?

The next time I checked back on the conversation, he was gone.

Poof!

Deleted.

The really painful part of Bottled is that you know when your friend has cut the conversation. They don’t just suddenly stop replying or you can no longer type and send or whatever, you actually get a blue box come up to tell you that they have deleted the conversation. If you have the conversation open at the time, it disappears and a blue box comes up with a red X in a red circle to tell you that the conersation has been deleted – yeouch!

Ooh, my poor little heart.

I spent most of Monday evening in a perpetual glum mood. My heart ached and tears prickled my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach, tired and lethargic;

How could anyone hate me for being kinky?

As a general rule, I find the acceptance of my.. shall we say lifestyle interests to be quite positive. For me they are more than just interests, they are more like my sexuality, but I accept that a lot of people don’t necessarily see them that way. A lot of people are surprised, even more are curious, and you know, that’s why I’m here. BDSM educators are here for when your curiosity piques and you want to know what we thought of the latest kinky movie, or how weird we think you are for having this particular fetish. We’re open-minded people, and the best and good onces are accepting and accomodating to a degree. They might not play with you, but they’ll at least allow you to express yourself while they listen.

But we’re still people. We’re still just people, who do normal people things, I know I do!

Yes, I love BDSM, but I also love cooking and writing, I love comedy and spending time with my friends and family. I love getting out in nature with Hugo and I love the winter festivities, I’m not all just BDSM!

I don’t write about BDSM because I want the shock and awe factor, the mainstream media already manages to make a complete freakshow of our deviant ways by plucking out some of the most scary-looking participants to interview. Nothing against them of course, I just feel sad that no kinky TV show would be complete without making a laughing stock of a dedicated human puppy. The media needs to make less of a freakshow of what we do and make it more educational, the what’s and the why’s, the mental and psychological aspects of BDSM. But then, such a show would be boring, wouldn’t it, and who would tune in?

My point is, I’m not here to shock you with my devilish ways. I’m here to show you that people can be perfectly normal people, and do things a little bit deviantly on the side, and that’s okay! Your aunt may like baking fruit cakes on Saturday and dressing up as a latex bunny on a Sunday (sorry, I know that’s a mental image you didn’t want!) but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with her. People are people, people do weird and deviant things and people do perfectly normal things, too. The human mind and psychology is far beyond what anyone can comprehend, so why judge one another for it?

Way back at school, I was your typical class swat. Honestly, if you knew me back then and you knew me now, you wouldn’t believe that I was the same person. I was nerdy and dedicated, I had no time for boys, no interest in make-up and fashion, nothing for anything that wasn’t my education. At the same time, though, I was having erotic thoughts of being tied up with rope in the woods opposite my school and being rough-handled by groups of boys in the years above me, what did that mean about the kind of person I am?

Absolutely nothing, that’s what.

I still went to school as good as gold, I still got my head down, studied hard and got good grades (if we can excuse my Art & Design grade here). I never had a detention, I have never been cautioned by the police (I even aspired to join the force) and I’ve never seen even a whiff of a jail cell. I was also raised to dot my i’s and cross my t’s, say please and thankyou and hold the door open for other people.

So tell me then, why do I deserve to be judged? What wrongs did I commit?

In this modern era, it’s now accepted that gay people can be gay from birth, and friends, I firmly believe that ‘kinky’ is my sexuality. When I was young, I loved playing doctor and patient, cops and robbers (I was always the rogue cop who let the inmates out and thus got arrested) and soldiers and spies (again, always beaten with sticks and interrogated). In all games, I loved a submissive, helpless role. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do remember that I loved being completely and utterly helpless. There were signs of my submissive predisposition even before I knew what it was!

But that troubles me.

In today’s world, it’s no longer acceptable to judge a gay man or a lesbian woman. It’s no longer acceptable to shun transgender people, so why is it okay still to shun people who are kinky? We aren’t going to whip you or tie you up or doing anything of that nature to you, perhaps even if you ask us to.

For a lot of people who are into BDSM, this lifestyle can be likened to:

  • Yoga
  • Foreplay
  • Smoking
  • Chocolate, wine, and other delicious treats and food
  • Making love
  • Meditation
  • A safety mechanism, an alternative to self-harm
  • A hobby, like rigging
  • Their sexuality, or romantic preferences
  • A defining marker between someone who can be a friend, or not
  • A chance to meet other like-minded people

Are those things we should be judging?

We always fear what we don’t understand, but as we evolve as a species, let’s not be excluding people. As people try new things, lets understand that kink doesn’t only happen on movie screens. It goes on in bedrooms, lounges and converted garages in your neighbourhood, too. Sometimes, it happens between your most unassuming neighbours or that friendly couple over the road, that’s almost guaranteed.

Stay safe, play safe, and have an awesome weekend, whatever you get up to.

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Helen xx

2 thoughts on “Judged For Being Kinky

  1. So much truth and sadness! The stigma on bdsm is likened to marijuana or pit bulls! My husband and I love completely normal lives, work jobs, have grand kids, go to church…Our hope is to lightened that negative stigma by sharing our journey, which has been all positives we are finding. And that photo is absolutely beautiful. I see nothing wrong with itπŸ₯°

    1. Oh yes, the marijuana comparison I have seen before (and forgotten about), I had some friends offer me some once and I just said “no thankyou, I have my own legal highs’ nobody even asked anything! Pit bulls I can see, though having been bitten by a pit bull myself, I’m naturally predisposed not to say they’re a gentle breed! I’m really glad your journey has been positive though, may you have many more years like it too 😊

Leave a Reply