Not so long ago, my husband and I visited a restaurant and then reviewed our experience following our visit. As was standard procedure at the time, I wrote two reviews- one for my blog, and a shorter summary that I posted on TripAdvisor- no big deal.
Now, experiences at the establishment weren’t exactly stellar. As a reviewer, I can only be honest and say what I did and didn’t enjoy and that’s all I set out to do, so when I saw the response from the manager, I was quite surprised.
Most managers that I have reviewed have taken any criticism on the chin, taken my pointers on board and gone back to work unscathed. Not this guy. According to him, I fabricated dishes and I was hard to please. He pretty much chewed me out for being among an apparent 5% of people who weren’t satisfied with how his pub operates.
Yeesh, now it’s personal.
Luckily for him, it took my husband and a few deep breaths to stop me bouncing onto my laptop and bashing out exactly what I thought of him. It wouldn’t have resolved the issue, but I would have definitely felt more relieved.
But then it struck me, his excessive use of (sometimes multiple) exclamation marks struck a chord and I finally understood. This wasn’t about me, this was about him. Him, and the way he handled criticism.
Let me be honest, there are two British celebrities that really resonate with me. Heck, I’d even go as far as to say that they inspire me.
Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay.
Not exactly ‘nice’ guys. Agreed?
But you see, once you get past that tough cookie exterior, they are among some of the nicest, most thoughtful, most genuine people you could ever meet, and I’m pretty much the same.
I can be a complete bitch to you, and I can be a complete asshole too, but I’m a bitch and an asshole because I want to see you win and I want to see you succeed. I’m not going to sugar-coat things. If I’m leading you, I want to see you reach your potential, just like Simon Cowell and Chef Ramsay.
Two Times That I Was Criticised
Make no mistake, I am human, and as a human, it means that I too am fair game to critique. If you want to criticise what I do and you have a good reason to, feel free! In fact, I welcome your criticism because it allows mo to shape the way I do things and make my blog better for you. So please, go ahead and criticise me!
Story 1: My Writing Club Story
When I joined my local writing club, I was really hopeful to make lots of fellow writer friends. There were five of us; three elderly ladies, one younger girl and me. One of the older ladies was the group leader, and she sort of decided what we were going to do, or what we would write about each day.
Very early in, I realised that we all had very different writing styles. The young girl liked to write about growing up in Africa, two of the ladies wrote poetry, the leader lady wrote prose, and then there was me – who wrote pieces aim to assist, guide and inspire. Real-life stuff.
For whatever reason, the leader lady gave us all ‘homework’ to do at the end of the first week. By the following week, we all had to have written a piece of prose about someone we knew, without saying who that person was.
So, I decided to write a piece about my neighbour.
It wasn’t exactly a particularly nice piece, sure, but I wanted to convey the emotion that I felt. I wanted to convey the irritation that I felt to him for the way that he would stand in front of me and lie so frequently and so prolifically. I had some strong emotions about him, and I took that chance to get them out.
She hated it.
It wasn’t prose at all, she said. But the emotion was there. My detest for my neighbour was apparent.
So, then, even if it wasn’t prose, surely it was still something? I didn’t care that it wasn’t prose, it was still a piece of written art to me!
Each person in the group was told how bad their work was. They were each, in turn, criticised for the work that they produced. Even the poets who struggled the least with the task were told how they could improve. At that point, I realised that nothing short of perfect prose would be good enough and I decided to disregard her feedback. I don’t write in poetic styles anyway, so that was fine for me.
Although I’ve never been back, my reaction to the criticism was to calmly and quietly leave the group at the end of the session and vow never to return. I didn’t attack her, I didn’t berate her and I didn’t shut down to everyone else. I just decided it wasn’t the right place for my style of writing, and left. After all, if I wanted to join a writing critique group, I would.
The last that I heard, the leader lady has now left and the group is now led by someone else. Of what I’ve heard, they’re also doing quite well producing articles for our monthly local newspaper, so more kudos to them.
Story 2: A Bad Joke
Sat on the seafront in Northern Cornwall, my brother pointed out the sun and said that the sun was in the sky. Amused by his pointing out the obvious, I made a bad attempt at trying to be funny.
“Is that what it is? I thought it was a giant ball of fire.”
I know, I know, it was painful.
“Well yeah, that’s exactly what it is” he said bluntly.
Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. Awkward.
“I’m sorry sis, but if that was what you call humour then.. wow”
I was deeply aggrieved and possibly rightly offended. He just didn’t criticise my terrible joke, he criticised me. On that occasion, I was so angry that I had to take myself for a walk to cool down, and I spent most of the next hour hardly talking to him, to boot.
Criticism: How To Take It, How To Give It
In life, anything we can do can be criticised. For as long as we can form opinions, and our opinion isn’t favourable, then we’re likely to dish out some form of criticism, too. That’s just what we humans do.
The difference, though, is in how you do it.
If, like the writing group leader lady, you just criticise what someone did, then that’s fine and fair. You aren’t judging them, you are judging something they said or did. That’s good. If you criticise someone for something about who they are (like my brother did), then you’re likely to lose friends, and your criticism will probably be ignored completely. Try to avoid the “compliment sandwich” too, and opt for some polite but specific criticism instead. Most people know the “Shit Sandwich” technique, and most people will be all too ready for what follows the “bread”.
Helpful VS Unhelpful Criticism
The biggest difference between helpful criticism and unhelpful criticism, is how you give it, and the intent.
When I criticised the pub, I was not criticising the pub nor the manager, I was criticising my experience in his establishment. The pub itself was nice and I’m sure the manager is a decent guy, too. It wasn’t about hurting him, but it was about allowing potential paying customers to make a decision based on collective reviews. With the writing lady, she criticised everyone in the group and as such, her criticism was quite clearly about her, rather than me.
Regardless of whether you regard criticism as helpful or unhelpful, it is important not to disregard it completely. Sometimes we ignore the criticism that we are given, only to later realise that it contained a very important message.
Most people do not set out to belittle you, nor do they set out to offend or upset you and it is important to try and see it that way. Criticism is not meant as a personal attack against you, but as negative feedback on the thing you did.
When we get criticised, it’s easy to overreact and lash out. Try not to let that be the case. Overreacting to criticism does nothing to preserve your credibility and is likely to make people refuse to give you their opinion again. Instead, smile and say thankyou, then decide exactly how you’re going to handle it.